Gasping for Air

For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: 'If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?' And whenever the answer has been 'No' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

~Steve Jobs ~

When I was younger, I was impulsive - some would say rash, maybe thoughtless. I often made decisions by the seat of my pants and while some of that was sheer teenage rebellion, some of it was the deep seeded desire to do something "more",  want something more, BE something "more."  And the good Lord knows I got burned more than once. However, I learned through age and experience, grass isn't always greener on the other side. It's still grass and it may be growing over a septic tank. So I tempered that part of me, have learned to make sound decisions and as middle age has pretty much arrived, have found myself in a conundrum. 

Change - It's rearing it's ugly head and I'm oh-so-not ready for it. 

Empty nest syndrome is just around the corner; darling hubby's job situation is about to make some really drastic changes affecting me and the kids and my elderly mother's health is starting to decline - which also has a bearing on some other things going on. 

I feel out-of-control. And the more I try to control things the more out-of-control I feel.  I wasn't anticipating on having my entire universe turned into scrambled eggs in one quick motion. I'm frankly, terrified. Too many changes are happening too quickly and decisions are going to start happening back to back to back and I'm honestly not prepared for them. 

Hopefully, the next six months will be much easier than my mind is preparing me for. However, while I'm generally an optimist, I'm also a realist. Like a fish out of water, I'm going to be gasping for air until I make it to a new tank.  

Why Yes... It IS in My Head

“And then a throb hits you on the left side of the head so hard that your head bobs to the right...There's no way that came from inside your head, you think. That's no metaphysical crisis. 

God just punched you in the face.” 

― Andrew Levy, A Brain Wider Than the Sky: A Migraine Diary

There are approximately 13 million Americans who suffer from a painful neurological condition called migraines;  it's more than 10% of the population or 1 in 4 households.

I am one of those Americans.

It's believed that migraine headaches tend to run in families and there's a 70% chance that a child of a parent with migraines will develop them at some point in their lifetime. Wow.  I can't say that knowing that years ago would have made any difference (as my mother has them.)  It doesn't change the fact I have them.  I can't say that I would have even been "prepared" for them. 

What can prepare someone for a monstrous pressure in the base of their cranium / brain stem which steadily becomes the feeling of a ball peen hammer hitting you upside the head repeatedly while at the same time crushing your skull in a vice? This of course (for me) is accompanied by other symptoms I don't feel the urge to discuss at this time. TMI. 

The sad thing is... many people think folks with migraines don't have a serious problem, they're faking it, it's "just a headache"... Gads... I could go on and on.  Consider this.  Migraine attacks can cause strokes, comas, aneurysms or death.  Each and every time someone with chronic migraines HAS a migraine we actually wonder HOW BAD it's going to be. I've ended up at the doctor's office / hospital getting injections to knock my ass out because it was that bad. 

“ We once saw a documentary on migraines. One of the men interviewed used to fall on his knees and bang his head against the floor, over and over during attacks. This diverted the pain from deep inside his brain, where he couldn't reach it, to a pain outside that he had control over.” 

― Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why

I wish I could describe that pain, deep inside the brain.  I've said on more than one occasion to my husband and friends that it would hurt less to run my head through a concrete wall.  It's true. 

But did you know there are migraines where there is NO pain? A couple of friends of mine at work have these silent migraines. They don't have the headache, but they have other symptoms. They are just as debilitating. 

There are 10 or more different types of migraine and many people have a combination migraine that sets in - which is what makes diagnosis and treatment so hard.  I have a tri-graine: Abdominal, Basilar and Transformed / generally without aura.  In a good month, I will only have a few. In a bad month, I have had 25-31 days worth of headache-hell. And months stack up. Fortunately, I've been running on the low end of this for a few months. I'm grateful. For a while there, it was f-ugly.

I'm on day two of this particular migraine attack - triggered by nitrates and yet another weather system that moved in. (I swear I could be a meteorologist.)  I read a blog post the other day where a woman was on her 112th day. My God. 112 days of wanting to ram your head into a wall or beat it against the floor because the external pain is controllable. I so get it. I feel ya sister. 

“His headache was still sitting over his right eye as if it had been nailed there.” 

― Ian Fleming, Moonraker

I have run the gambit on prescription drugs - lemme tell you, some of that stuff is like taking candy. Just doesn't work worth a darn. And the kicker is... REBOUND migraines / headaches. For the love of all that is pure and holy in this world. You think you got it licked and it comes back meaner and badder than the original.  Tylenol 3 and the "cets" do that to me... Lorcet / Percocet / Darvocet... etc. That's a big no-no. I've been through everything from Imitrex to Maxalt and Treximet (which is the only thing that works for me right now. Dare I say, "THANK YOU, TREXIMET.")  I also take daily preventative drugs that work okay, but still doesn't solve the problem. Of course, I'm assuming the problem can be solved.  I don't know that is the case. But I can hope. 

I'm searching for options. I'm looking at acupuncture, massage, herbal remedies, nape piercings, and other alternative therapies with no decisions having been made yet. I'm tired of the drugs. I'm tired of the migraines. I'm tired of being sick and tired of being sick and  tired and all anyone seems to want to push are pills. 

However, with that said... I really am tired (migraines tend to do that) and I need to get some rest. I'll let you know how things go at a later date and what decisions I've made.  I have a feeling it's all going to be a process of trial and error that will fall under my blanket of "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger." 

Cheerio and ta-ta for now.

Source: MedlinePlus 

...The Time of Your Life

"Yes. I would like some cheese with my whine. Now be a doll, pour me a glass and cut me a slice of sharp cheddar." 

Last weekend, my youngest, darling daughter graduated high school. (Insert cheers and clapping here!)
After 13 years of schooling, she's emancipated from the world of high school and all that entails. I'm proud of her, the young woman she's become, and can't wait to see what's in store for her future.  (Oddly enough Greenday's "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" is on right now.)

J graduated Friday night and then we had a graduation party Saturday night and an "impromptu" family reunion Sunday night.  Both parties at my little house. I went to work Monday morning thankful I didn't have to have yet another party. I was "partied out." I think I'm getting old.

With J's graduation came "The Scrapbook." OMG... It's STILL. NOT. DONE.

It was SUPPOSED to be done by last Sunday. It's not. Saturday (at party #1) I received more items people wanted in the scrapbook. I asked some of these folks for the items in the first part of May. (A month ago.)  I told them I needed them by like May 20th or so. I got them June 8th. I love my family.  But it's not their fault it's not done. That's on me.

I don't always procrastinate. I honestly thought "I had more time." You see, I swore I wasn't going to do this year what I did last year working on K's book - a last minute decision with something I had ZERO experience doing. (J and I spent a total of 160 hours in two weeks to get it done.)  I promised myself I would start early. I did. I started in early May. So why it's not done on time... I didn't work as hard or as fast as I should have... I simply ran out of time / out of money? Heck. I'm not sure. It's very close. I'm lacking (by my best calculations) 12 pages.

This weekend, I'm going to be finishing up "The Scrapbook," a summation of J's first 17 years of life and as she's my youngest, my last... it's hard to do. Maybe that's the reality of why it's not done. I'm just not ready for my baby to be "grown up."

(Cue Music...)

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right,
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right,
I hope you had the time of your life. 

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right,
I hope you had the time of your life. 

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right,
I hope you had the time of your life.

~Green Day~

Almost Done

I've been updating the look and feel of my blog over the past 24 hours and it's getting there, but not quite where I want it. I promise this tedious process will be done soon.

Deliverance

Operation Overlord.

That was the code name for the allied invasion on France - one of the the largest amphibious military assaults in history. It began on June 6th and wasn't an overnight victory. The battle lasted from June 1944 to August 1944, but in the end the Allies were liberated from Western Europe and Nazi Germany's control.

It's been almost 70 years ago since some 156,000 American, British and Canadian forces landed on five different beaches on the heavily fortified coast of France's Normandy region.  Just before the assault, the Allied forces conducted a huge deception campaign to mislead the Nazi forces about the intended invasion target. They called it Operation Bodyguard. Months of planning went into this. It worked.

President Dwight Eisenhower was only a U.S. Army General at the time of the Normandy Invasion, but Supreme Commander over the Allied Forces. Think about it. Wow. He rallied his troops and spoke with members of the 101st Airborne paratroopers before the planes and gliders left. (Great photo of this moment btw.)  Paratroopers dropped behind enemy lines during the night when their friends and fellow soldiers assaulted the beaches at dawn. Soldiers braved the pounding surf, crossed the beaches and moved over the seawalls to face the enemy.  Finally the beachhead was secured and they continued on. Men were wounded. Men lost their lives. All in the name of Freedom.

Freedom. Seven letters with a meaning more powerful than most other words known to man.

June 6th, 1944.

As the greatest generation becomes fewer in number and history books become filled with "more important" things, this and future generations don't /won't understand the breadth and depth of this date in history.

It's a date that NEEDS to be remembered.

Without this combined military effort, the world would be a different place.

It was a day of deliverance.

Cure this...

There's Gotta Be an App for That...

I have friends who are gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgendered or what have you. For the record, I don't care. While I am a Christian, my religious beliefs tell me to love my neighbor and God is the ultimate judge - it's not my job. So that's how I conduct my business, whether right or wrong. So now that I've laid my cards on the table, I wanted to address something that caught my eye the other day... 

"The Cure for Gay"

As quoted from MSN: "Depending on your point of view, the notion of a "cure" for homosexuality is utterly laughable or a serious possibility. In the latter category, a site called Setting Captives Free offers a new app somewhat curiously titled "Door of Hope" that will allow you to "find freedom from homosexuality." Oh, and that'll allegedly happen in 60 days. It's reportedly available via Apple iTunes and Google Play, along with a number of other apps tailored for your specific sins. "New Wine" will get you off the booze, "In His Image" will free you from anorexia and bulimia, "Higher Stakes" eliminates your gambling jones, and "By His Wounds" will give you "freedom from self-injury." Now if they could just come up with one that would clean your oven."

Now, 24 hours after appearing on the Apple store, it was pulled and an online petition was put in place to pull it from google apps. It has over 70K signatures.  I'm sure the whole topic offends a wide variety of people ranging from homophobes to homosexuals.  

I read one of the possible reasons this app was pulled from Apple iTunes app store was because the mental health practices associated with 'curing' homosexuality are illegal in many places in the US, and have been condemned by the US mental health community. Apps that encourage or assist in illegal activities are disallowed in at least the Apple App store contract. Interesting perspective. However, I think we are probably past the draconian days, or are we? 

I honestly don't know. 

It's an interesting question and some food for thought. But would the same brouhaha be happening if someone launched a "Cure Heterosexuality" app? What about an app to turn straight people gay?  Would anyone who complained in any of the aforementioned instances be labeled bigots or haters? Probably. 

For me though, this whole ordeal is kind of about censorship. Frankly, I don't want to go there. It reminds me of Tipper Gore and the beginning of the music ratings in the 80's. Censorship is a slippery slope to tread down and once down, there's not a way to climb back up.  Rather like Alice and the rabbit hole.

No Pain, No Gain?

I'm pretty sure that when whoever coined the phrase, "No pain, no gain," they were referring to getting in shape. However, tonight I'm pretty sure that applies to cleaning house today for approximately 11 hours. 

My accomplishment - a deep clean on the kitchen and I'm not even done yet. 

I'd like to say this was just a moseying around the kitchen and doing some dishes, taking a break then playing around on Facebook. Not. So. Much. 

For whatever reason under the sun, no one had done dishes all week. I got pissed. And when I reach a certain level of pissed, I clean. I've been that way my entire adult life. 

So the dishes got done, the counters were all scrubbed down, the outside of the cabinets were all scrubbed down and then were taken care of with Old English Oil, the walls were scrubbed down... well... I think you get the picture. 

There is; however, one thing that vexed me beyond belief I was trying to take care of and didn't manage - replacing the lightbulbs in the fridge. 

Son of a purple dragon. 

My darling hubby went out and bought me 3 new bulbs. Three. Because THREE of the four are out. 

I put one in. No workie. I checked the filaments. They're all good. Perplexed, I tried the bulb in the socket in the freezer. No workie. I left that bulb there and went to pull the other burned out bulb (#3) from  the fridge side and found someone spilled something down the back of the fridge that has hardened like cement. 

For all that is holy... really? Can you not clean up the mess you spill? Is it that freakin' difficult? 

I slammed the fridge door shut; I got out the parsley cleaner,  Windex (TM), Lysol (TM), etc... and started scrubbing the bathroom which too disgusted me. 

I'm sitting here writing now at 0101 because after the long, long day, I took a hot shower in the somewhat cleaner bathroom and I'm having to let my hair dry a bit before I get in bed. (Plus no other guild members are on Warcraft right now and that's kind of a bummer.)

Why?

Unexpectedly, the fruits of my womb had my "other daughter from another mother" spend the night and I can't run the hair dryer. That and if I wake darling hubby, I will probably regret it more than I do trying to move my back or legs at the moment. 

So yes. This is not my usual post. I'll be back to my regularly scheduled programming a bit later. (After I get some sleep and finish cleaning the bathroom if I can actually move...tomorrow.)