It's a Hard Knock Life

Lately, it seems as if my job has become more social worker, psychologist and Peanuts-style-Lucy-advice-giver than investigator. I'm okay with that because it means maybe I can help a family before law enforcement actually has to step-in and take action that is more permanent in nature. I'm not trained in any specific field, but I've done a lot of research and I've had two kids of my own who are doing okay. Combine that with the fact I was a bit of a hellion as a teenager (and from time to time today),  I can see the world in a perspective that is sometimes unique.


I had a conversation the other day with a parent who has done everything for their child, has battled all of their battles for them and now is having problems with him. I had to ask them, "Why did you do this?"


I know it's hard as a parent to see your child suffer, but there are natural consequences to one's actions and I believe it's not to early to start teaching your children that. If you touch a hot stove, you will get burned. Depending on the age of the child, you might pull their hand away and spank it. For older kids, they might actually touch the stove and realize, "When I touch it, it IS hot." If you don't follow the logical progression of teaching a younger child natural consequences, then when that child becomes a teenager, problems ensue.


This parent called me because he couldn't get his son up for school. He's gone so far as to set his own alarm an hour and a half early so he can start the process of nagging, scolding, yelling, yanking the covers off the bed, turning the radio up loud, using water as a wake up device, pulling his son out of the bed and dragging him to the closet.... well, you get the idea. I asked him why he was doing that. He said if he didn't do that his son wouldn't get up and would miss the bus then he would have to take him and be late to work himself.


Excuse me?
Can you say enabling?


I understand the school district's policy on tardies and absences and a parent's responsibility to take one's child to school. However, this kid is almost 17 years old. At what point do you say enough already? And that's exactly what I asked him.


He was stunned by my question so I asked him again and was met by silence.


I explained. In another year, this kid will graduate and then probably go to college. He'll get a job. I asked him, "Are you going to be getting him up for college or awake in time for work everyday? Are you going to call his boss and explain to him that he's late or write him a note or take him to his job because he just couldn't get it together to get up on time? At what point do you say, 'Enough?'"


I also asked him what time this kid goes to bed. He said that it's anywhere between 10pm and 2am. I have teenagers, one of which carries a heck of a course load, but there is NO need for a regular 2am bedtime when you have to get up early for school. Teenagers need a recommended NINE hours of sleep a night. (Resource: National sleep foundation) Obviously that's not going to happen and things are going to suffer. No wonder that kid can't get out of bed. He's working against a biological drive to sleep.


He said I made a very valid point he hadn't thought about and thanked me for my time.


A few days later, he called me back. He told me that night when his son came home he basically threw down the gauntlet and told him to set his alarm and to be in bed no later than 10pm on school nights; he was no longer waking him up for school and if he missed his bus, he could walk. Apparently his son didn't buy it. His son woke up about 11am and called his father at work to take him. Dad stood firm and told him, "You have two legs. Use them."  The day after that, he didn't wake him up again and the son again missed the bus. He called his father and apparently begged him to pick him up and take him to school. Dad told him, "Son, I can't do that because you need to learn to do some things on your own. This is one of them. Do it." On the third day, his son was up and ready to meet the bus.


I'd like to say that all is going to be perfect, but we all know that bad habits are hard to break. I'm glad that this father is working toward instilling new, healthy ones in his son before it's way too late.


The School of Hard Knocks isn't an easy one. However, I believe that as our children become older, we have to give them more responsibility to do some things on their own and make their own mistakes. After all, if we don't do that, we haven't properly prepared them for the adult world that is to follow and that's not the School of Hard Knocks. It's the World of Hard Knocks.

The Best Days of Our Lives

"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go 

So make the best of this test, and don't ask why

It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time..."

- Green Day-

Eldest graduates high school in three weeks. Its seems like it has been a lifetime and I suppose it has - hers. But the lifetime I'm actually referring to is mine. As as today is Mother's Day, I'm a little more introspective than usual. 

It's been 24 years since my high school graduation and when Youngest graduates next year, it will be 25. A quarter of a century. For the life of me, I have no idea where most of it went.  

Prom

My eldest and I had a short discussion last night as she was upset because she didn't go to her senior prom. She worked at a job she hates and she closed - which meant she didn't get off work and home til after midnight. She mentioned to me who was crowned "Prom King." I suppose when I was 18 that meant something to someone, but in the overall scheme of things, I'm sure my 18 year old self didn't really give a shit. My 42 year old self feels the same. Prom King and Queen is nothing more than a popularity contest and the real world doesn't really operate that way. My darlings will find that out soon enough. 

A few other thoughts on prom: For the love of God, it's expensive. Prom dresses run hundreds to thousands of dollars. Tuxedo rentals are freakishly expensive too. It's a racket. When I was a kid, I fell in love with this pretty, BIG poofy white prom dress. It was a size 16 and I had it cut down to between an 8 and a 10. I always figured I would wear it again as a wedding dress, but by the time I got married, that really didn't happen. The dress was expensive back in the 80's and I have to wonder if I should have just saved some money and wore jeans and a t-shirt and been more comfortable all night.  At least my red Converse tennis shoes saved my feet the burden of wearing heels all night. Best shoe decision ever made. 

Some of the songs played at my prom:

INXS - Need You Tonight

Poison - Every Rose Has It's Thorn

Breathe - Hands to Heaven

Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar on Me

Terrence Trent D'Arby - Wishing Well

Patrick Swayze - She's Like the Wind

Information Society - What's on Your Mind (Pure Energy)

Bobby Brown - Don't Be Cruel

Whitney Houston - So Emotional

Bon Jovi - Bad Medicine

Friends

I do remember many of the popular girls and guys in high school; however, and there are a few of them I still think kindly on to this day because they were naturally charismatic and never looked down their noses at others because they weren't just like them. I think it's only appropriate that I tell them now I appreciate them. I'm also glad I learned the lesson young to take care to look past appearances and get to know the meat of a person before judging them. 

My bestie and I became friends in high school. In looking back, I still think it's funny that a tall, leggy blonde would be friends with a tomboy like me. But then again, there's that appearance thing I was talking about earlier. Obviously she didn't care either. We just hit it off and we've been friends for almost 30 years now. I can't imagine a day when I couldn't pick up the phone and say, "Dude... you would not believe...." 

In high school, we made a pact to never fight over boys All girlfriends should have that agreement. It would save a lot of problems down the road.  I had a crush on Shaun. She ended up married to him. Today... that's probably the best thing that could have happened to either of us. (God bless ya buddy.) 

My other friends in high school, I still keep in touch with now after losing touch for so many years. Facebook is a wonderful thing sometimes. (Now sounding like I'm 95 years old....) Back in the day.... when we all went off to college or whatever, we didn't have cell phones, we had to write letters to keep up with folks and because life is what it is, we got busy and it all fell by the wayside. I know Facebook and Twitter and whatever other media isn't the greatest for heart to hearts, but it is a good way to say, "Hey, I'm thinking about you." I kinda dig that. 

The Future

I still have the same argument I had in high school with my math teachers. I'm never going to need advanced math, why do I need to know it? It took me 20+ years to get my associates degree because of college algebra, which I had to take something like 5 different times - go back and take all the remedial math classes first etc. Without YouTube videos with many different instructors explaining the concepts, I never would have passed. And why? Why do I need a 2 year degree? A bachelors? A Masters? Doctorate? I'm still trying to figure that out.

We push our children toward a higher education (which has an ever growing cost) to have a plan for their lives? Is this correct? Or is it a fall back plan? Or what is it? I'm sure at one time I was certain, but I can honestly say that I'm really not. What does the piece of paper gain you unless you want to BE something SPECIFIC such as a veterinarian, a lawyer, a doctor, etc...? For all the kids who don't know, I say take the basics so you don't have to remember them 20 years later when you might need a piece of paper with your name on it and let the rest falls where it falls.  

We always ask our children what they want to be when they grow up. I'm 42 and I can't answer that question. Sure,  I have always wanted to be two things: a cop and a writer. I have done many different things along the way on my path of growing up, but at the heart of things, I have successfully attempted both and learned that I'm much more suited to one than the other, but never for heart and lack of trying. I just should have done one of them much, much sooner. (Something I hope my girls never do: delay the inevitable.)

Advice

Jobs: There is going to come a point with my children that I have to give them some advice as to their future and I can only tell them to try and figure out what they have passion for. Then to go for what they want with all of their heart and determination. IF they can do that, they will succeed; because even if they fail by mortal men's standards, there is still success in the fact they gave it their all.

Marriage: Marriage is a give and take. Marry your best friend. If your best friend EVER becomes violent or hits you, get the "F" out and never look back. You are too precious to be someone's whipping post. 

Cooking: Learn to cook a few meals - even if they are very simple. 

Cleaning: Borax and Baking Soda are wonders. Do NOT mix bleach and ammonia. If for some reason you do... RUN... do not walk to the nearest exit - poisonous gasses are created when you do that. 

Call 911 for emergency help. If you really don't think it's that bad, then at least call Poison Control for advice on handling the after-effects of exposure and cleaning up the chemicals. The number for Poison Control is:1-800-222-1222

Vehicles: When buying a new vehicle - remember, the value of the vehicle drops BIGTIME as soon as you drive it off the lot. If possible. buy a really nice used vehicle - have it checked out by a good mechanic before you buy it and pay cash if possible.

Credit Cards: There is no reason to ever have one. This is the single biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. Getting a credit card - especially before the age of 21 is EXTREMELY STUPID AND UNWISE. There is never a reason to have one if you 1) have a debit card and 2) pay cash for what you need. "Lines of Credit" are a myth perpetuated by the finance community so they will make money off of loaning you money. Avoid it if possible. 

Debt: DO NOT GO INTO DEBT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot stress this enough.

Ok.... I think this is about it for now. I just wanted to get a few things off my chest and I feel a bit better now. Hopefully at some point in time, this will make much more sense to my two darling daughters. 

Ciao for now...

Celeste