If I Cry... Just Lend a Shoulder & Some Tissue

"Oft hope is born when all is forlorn."

J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King" 

Well, it has been a while since I have written. Congested into the past six months has been a turbulence and turmoil I had not quite anticipated. Had there been a glimmer of the mayhem to come, I might have been better suited to deal with the pandemonium. Alas, I never caught a glimpse of it. Thus, the delay in writing.  My most humble apologies. 

Toward the end of December I spoke of the pending move. Yoda was transferred to the Metroplex and so it began. I could go into all the gory details, but seriously, there isn't enough time and carpal tunnel would kick in long before I'm done. But here's the gist: 

We sold the house, which wasn't even on the market, in about a month open to close. The buyer's lender insisted the close date be moved up two weeks. Because of the freakin' weather, we were having the outside painted and the little house reroofed almost simultaneously. The paint wasn't even dry on the final inspection. And that doesn't even include the other little repairs that were made during that time. 

What Yoda didn't bring to DFW was thrown into storage during the sale of the house. The remainder of the items was thrown in literally at 8:51pm the day before we closed on the house. The storage unit locked down at 9:00pm. I have a feeling I'll never figure out all the things that were thrown out, given to charity or are tossed in boxes here and there. (And as a side note - paying rent on storage just irks me. I want a house again. Obviously I'm feeling a bit materialistic. Maybe I need to get over that.) 

So the kids moved into an apartment - the lease was signed a few days before closing on the house. Begging, borrowing and stealing came to mind when it came to the pet deposits as two of the dogs are there and one is in the Metro.  Seriously... why are pet deposits so blooming high? 

Meanwhile my sister-in-law/sister of my heart entered the hospital over 350 miles from her home because she had to undergo a more rigid cancer treatment - diagnosed in November with leukemia.  My mom-in-law for the most part moved with her to Dallas and moved into her hospital room and helped her so much as my SIL was so weak and miserable. I mean nursing staff can only do so much, eh? This started mid-March. 

Birthdays and holidays came and went and I still hadn't heard back from the job I applied for.  You heard that right. I applied for one. It's a specialized field and the hiring process is incredibly long. So long that I didn't go down for an interview etc for a while. However, after all this, that and the other they must have thought I could do the job because I started the second week in June. Normally, this is cause to celebrate; however, I LOVED my old job. I had planned to retire from it. This obviously didn't happen. So while I'm mourning my old job, I move down on Sunday and start work three days later Wednesday 6-11-14. 

Obviously God had his reasons for the timing of the madness.

My Yoda, dearest Yoda... He was a half-match for a bone marrow transplant. In the entire registry, he and his brother were the only ones. The transplant took place just days before he helped me move.  The process made him feel "blah" to say the least. But he has the biggest heart and I'm richly blessed. 

But my SIL didn't improve much after the transplant. Apparently you have to bide your time and wait for the cells to kick in. Meanwhile, my MIL still stayed with her and cared for her. She only left the hospital for maybe a total of 2-3 weeks between mid March and June. Wow. She's such an amazing woman. 

Saturday the 14th we went to see her in the hospital after going to church. Darling SIL didn't look so hot. I mean, sporting a hospital gown theoretically could be a sexy look. On cancer patients, not so much. However, her bald head was beautiful and her smile still so sweet. But you could tell something wasn't quite right. She was rather "out of it" and slept most of the time we were there. 

The long story short is the excrement hit the proverbial fan. I don't remember how many calls and text messages flew back and forth over the next week, but too many to count. There were prayers lifted for my SIL all around the world. But she lost her fight to that ugly disease called cancer on Monday, June 23rd. Now the texts and calls fly because of funeral arrangements and all I can think about is that I just want to pick up the phone and hear her voice. I want to get her advice on some things and I can't do that. I feel bloody selfish. I feel bloody miserable.  

Tomorrow I leave for "home" again - a quick trip. My new supervisor allowed me the day off if I work next Friday (which I was supposed to have off), but I'm not allowed to use vacation days, sick leave etc for the first six months of employment. And a SIL doesn't apparently qualify for any kind of bereavement leave. I don't know that I understand, but there's no arguing the point.

I feel like a stranger in a strange land. I am in a pretty dark place right now and I have a feeling it's going to be a bit before I'm feeling "normal" again - whatever that is.  I believe I will feel better after my SIL is laid to rest and we all gather to celebrate her life.  For now, all I can do is rely on my Heavenly Father and his Son, Jesus Christ, to carry me when I'm weak and lift my heart from the darkness to the light. 

May this letter from my new home find you in a better place than I am emotionally at this time. Always.... C

Simplicity and Honesty

I normally start all my blogs with a quote. Today - not so much.  I'm going to try to keep this simple and honest. No pretty pictures. Just raw and honest about a few things.

When I was a kid, I had all the unrealistic expectations you would expect a child to have. As I became a teenager, I had a couple of lofty ambitions. I expected I would become a journalist, the next Woodward/Bernstein, or I would work for Rolling Stone or Time magazine - travel the world and see the sights and hear the sounds the world has to offer.  But I grew older and I settled for less and I settled down. I got used to routine and the day-in/day-out became comfortable.

I never stopped to wonder why.

The time has come to take everything I have known and disenfranchise myself from my hometown and take on "new adventures." It's harder when we get older. Even though I remind myself I'm not old, right now - this very moment - I feel old. And afraid.

There. I said it. I'm afraid of starting completely over.

I'm afraid of moving to a new place that's not so comfortable. This town is like a well-worn pair of jeans. But I'm scared to see if that pair of jeans is just hanging on by a thread and if my underwear is starting to show.

I'm afraid of trying to find a new job.
I'm afraid of not finding a job.
I'm afraid of looking for a new place to live.
I'm afraid of homelessness.
I'm afraid of finding new doctors because mine know me so well.
I'm afraid of not finding doctors that have a clue.
I'm afraid of driving in a place I know nothing about that has a crap-ton more traffic.
I'm afraid of getting into an accident.
I'm afraid of not fitting in.
I'm afraid of people not understanding my warped sense of humor.
I'm afraid of being "alone" in a place with thousands of people.
I'm afraid of wanting to come running "home" and home just not being home anymore.

I never thought that my fearless teenage self would be sitting in front of a computer at middle age afraid to embrace change. But there it is in stark black and white. Simple and honest. 

Day 59 - Trying to Sort It All Out

Disasters can come in every shape and form under Heaven and they definitely test our faith. Things have been going a little rough lately at the casa while I don't truly know if I can classify the situation as a disaster, I can quantify it as "suckage" and massive amounts of it. At this point, I'm not making the overtime I was freakin' MANDATED to work at the AECC so my paychecks have been smaller than they used to be by quite a bit and this has been going on for the past 6 months. Kyle's business has slowed down to a snail's pace (complete with the goo left behind...) and recovery from that slowdown may or may not happen. In the meanwhile, we can't wait to see if it will turn around so Kyle has been sending out resumes and looking at jobs elsewhere.

I'm hoping something comes through soon on Kyle's Great Job Hunt of 2011, but I know we also need to get many more resumes out there to make that happen. There are 2 jobs he's applied for that sound pretty awesome. One is in Dallas and one is in Lake Mary, Florida - just northeast of Orlando by a few minutes. I've never pictured myself living in Florida, but stranger things have happened.

Kyle is pretty particular with what he wants to do and I'm not in his head so it's a little hard to understand sometimes. I guess I have just done so many things workwise that I don't have a clear understanding of only working less than a handful of jobs in a lifetime and only really feeling comfortable just doing one thing or something closely related to the one thing. I remember the days of working 2 and 3 jobs at a time in order to "survive" and have the feeling I'm at that point again.

Life Lesson #59 Credit cards are EVIL and all kids should stay well clear of them and be taught how in the hell to use them. I will be the first to admit we have our own fair share of debt that we are struggling like hell to repay because we were not taught good fiscal principles by the parental units. I can manage millions of dollars in a business, but can't seem to manage my own freaking spending. (Not that I'm entirely to blame in this fiasco.) But it is definitely much easier to handle before losing about 3K a month.

And as a side note, I think we finally have the kids diapers, formula and baby clothes paid off. Most of this ever-accumulating debt (interest) has been the result of necessary purchases. Sure, some of the things we have charged over the years weren't "necessary," but trust me when I say, "Come look at my house and tell me we have an overabundance of luxury items." A couple of years when the kids were young, I couldn't work because the girls were sick all the time. It get's interesting when I look back at the income taxes during that time because we survived on the credit cards we had. Anyhoooooo....

Seeing as I'm kind of tired of non-paying career choices, I'm having to look at going back into media. I'm not a big fan of that. However, I have found several jobs in New York City that pay well over 100K and with that kind of money, I could find a small place there and in all honesty, we could have 95% of all of our bills paid off in 6-8 months. If I were a little more conservative thinking time-wise because I know stuff happens, I would say 10 months. But everything paid in under a year is completely doable. This would free up a lot of tension financially, but cause a few more problems along the way... the question I have to find an answer for is which of the problems is the worst? God knows I don't want to live away from my family for a year, but I also know that those guys in the military that go away for a year or a two at a time have family units that somehow survive. Is this that kind of situation and how to look at it? Is it "war?" I'm thinking it might be and I'm going to have to fight to keep my family in a most unorthodox manner.

Ahhhhhhh it's too late at night to be going round and round on this matter, but I really needed to vent for a few. All of this stuff in my head is just kind of a swirling mass of confusion and maybe just being able to get some of it out is good. I'm going to try to crash and burn now. Hopefully a good night's sleep will bring some clarity. Bon nuit.

Day 53 - Everything's Coming Up Roses

I'm not sure if I really have a favorite day of the week, but Thursday is definitely right up there. Tonight is "results night" with American Idol. I didn't get to see the boys perform, but the girls didn't overly impress me. I'm not sure if it was song choice or just one of those things, but we'll have to see what happens.

The news has been interesting lately insofar as celebrity things going on. Charlie Sheen (Carlos Estevez) has been having a meltdown, but for some reason, I appreciate the ownership of his whacked-out self. For some reason though, I now have to group him in the "Tom Cruise" category after the interview I saw on ABC. One of the first things I remember seeing him in was "Ferris Beuller's Day Off" when Charlie was a drugged out criminal. I thought to myself at that time Charlie actually looked like a druggie. Unfortunately, I think Charlie has stayed in character way too long.

I've also sort of kept up with some of Britain's big nuptuals to be. I remember getting up early to see Princess Diana and Charles' (gag) wedding. That was such an amazing wedding and I for one thought the pomp and circumstance surrounding it was awesome. I don't think the carriage ride will take place, which is very sad, but that is something so typically "Royal" that they should have something equally as cool for their departure. I know a lot of people in the States don't care what happens across the pond. However, I think it's wonderful that we will get to witness another royal marriage. Every girl in the world wants to marry a Prince and have the big fairy-tale wedding, but since we all can't-we at least get to watch.

In other news, lots of changes at the casa. We've been working on resume's for the DH and getting those out to varying peoples / agencies / organizations. We need to get a lot more out and hopefull that will take place soon. I have started working on mine, but for some reason, mine is a little more difficult because I have such a diverse employment background.

Last night, I went for a walk-jog-half-assed-attempt-at-running which was rather laughable. BUT... I worked up a sweat and felt better about life when I woke up this morning. I also have a small blister on my right foot. C'est la vie. I can't say that the weight-loss adventure has really worked thus far. I know part of it is stress. Not a cop-out, but the truth. I haven't been this stressed in years and when I'm stressed, I live on comfort foods. I am also thinking that it's possible at this point I have some thyroid-hormone type of thing going on. I've contemplated going to an endochronologist to have some blood work done, but haven't made the decision to actually do that yet. I had the doc do some a couple of months ago when I went for my annual exam and the thyroid came back normal. But that still doesn't explain how my symptoms correspond to hypothyroidism. We'll see I suppose. Combine those factors with the fact I've been menopausal for a good decade, weight does NOT come off quickly.

Life Lesson #53 Carpe Diem!!!!

Food tally for the day:
Breakfast: Cream of Wheat
Morning Snack: Briscuit Breakfast Burrito w. salsa (obviously cream of wheat by itself isn't enough food to sustain a person...) This was followed by 2 Tums. Ugh.
Lunch: TBA
Afternoon Treat: TBA
Dinner: TBA

Health & Fitness #53 Put your kitchen on a diet before starting your own weight loss plan. It just makes sense if you "slim down" the crap from your kitchen, you won't be tempted to indulge in "crap."

Feeding the Spirit #53

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation.
— Colossians 1:15 (NIV)

Thoughts on Today's Verse...
If we had been alive when Jesus worked in the carpentry shop in Nazareth or walked along the Sea of Galilee near Capernaum, we could have said, "There goes God," and been right. The amazing reality of Jesus is that he was God among us. Matthew calls him Immanuel, "God with us." In Colossians 1, Paul pours out every superlative he can use to describe Jesus' preeminence over everything and everyone. He is God with a human face. He is the ruler, the transcendent one, who reigns above all creation. He is also our Savior and our sacrifice.