Exhaustion makes me want to eat. Eating involves about 30 Oreo cookies.
The struggle is on today.... I've had three hours of sleep and when I'm tired I ALWAYS crave sugary snack foods.
I have been reading Julia Cameron's book, "The Write Diet" which helps the writer in me process this whole weight loss journey in a different way. Something that has stuck with me after reading this is her list of 4 questions that are already making a huge difference for me.
Am I hungry?
Is this what I want to eat?
Is this what I want to eat now?
Is there something else I can eat instead?
I'm still trying to figure out the difference in hunger and the emotional eating habits that fall under "angry, bored, or tired." However, when I get to questions two and three... I really stop and think about the "want" ... and question 4 settles it. If I really do want the Oreo now, I would eat it. However, I can generally find something to eat instead that even if it has the same calories, has a better nutritional value.
Now that's some food for thought....
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Hey Jealousy
"Hey Jealousy" is a song by the Gin Blossoms and it's quite good. The reality of jealousy isn't quite as good and can leave a person confused and angry. Tonight, my mother's jealousy and mental illness combined together to create an unpleasant situation.
My youngest just celebrated her 16th birthday, which I believe I covered briefly the other day. We were scheduled to go to dinner with my mother one night this week and I MISTAKENLY thought it was dinner, not a delay in her birthday celebration. I don't know why and this wouldn't have been an issue if mother weren't so agoraphobic and made her real celebration like everyone else did. I'm sure we discussed this as her make-up birthday dinner, but for whatever reason, my short-term memory isn't all that and a bag of chips lately. So.... the conversation went something like the following (but not exactly because remember that short term memory loss?)
Me: We're good for dinner, but it will be the four of us. J is out of town with K, B, and B for her birthday. They went to Oklahoma City.
Mom: Well, if she's not going, I'm not going?
Me: Why not?
Mom: Because it's her birthday dinner.
Me: I'm sorry, I got it messed up. I forgot it was her birthday dinner.
Mom: And I think she's spending entirely too much time over there. She's spending two nights a week and now she's gone for the weekend? What is she, their other daughter?
Me: No mom.with an inward groan She's spending time over there because she wants to and there's not much for her to do here in the summer.(Because the other 3 of us in the house are working / school) Plus, she spends a bit of time cleaning and helping around the house.
More conversation back and forth until:
Me: If you want her to spend time over there or want some help, then ask her like K & B do. If you want her to clean or whatnot just call her.
Mom: LONG PAUSE.... I don't want to do things like K & B do.
Me: I understand that, but it's not like J can come spend that much time over there. Referring to spending the night more than anything else. There's no place for her to sleep or anything. She's over there helping them clean because they need the help.
Mom: (Screaming) They don't need help.... and then the subtle sounds of disconnect.
Yes, I did the daughterly duty and tried to call back. I let the phone ring through multiple phone calls over 50 times. I give up. I'm not calling her back and if she wants to talk to me, then she better have an apology ready.
I am so tired of her being jealous because 1) other people are doing what she wants to do, but can't do not because of physical infirmity, but because her mind won't let her. 2) I'm tired of her blaming everyone else for her decisions. I can honestly say I will be grateful when I don't have to deal with this any more. I love my mother, just as I love my father (may he rest in peace.) However, when you have someone in your family who is mentally ill, the emotional cost can be too high and at this point, I'm tired and don't want to deal with it. No wonder my children don't want to call her - it's too much of an effort.
And speaking of effort, I'm done with my rant. Time for snoozing.
My youngest just celebrated her 16th birthday, which I believe I covered briefly the other day. We were scheduled to go to dinner with my mother one night this week and I MISTAKENLY thought it was dinner, not a delay in her birthday celebration. I don't know why and this wouldn't have been an issue if mother weren't so agoraphobic and made her real celebration like everyone else did. I'm sure we discussed this as her make-up birthday dinner, but for whatever reason, my short-term memory isn't all that and a bag of chips lately. So.... the conversation went something like the following (but not exactly because remember that short term memory loss?)
Me: We're good for dinner, but it will be the four of us. J is out of town with K, B, and B for her birthday. They went to Oklahoma City.
Mom: Well, if she's not going, I'm not going?
Me: Why not?
Mom: Because it's her birthday dinner.
Me: I'm sorry, I got it messed up. I forgot it was her birthday dinner.
Mom: And I think she's spending entirely too much time over there. She's spending two nights a week and now she's gone for the weekend? What is she, their other daughter?
Me: No mom.with an inward groan She's spending time over there because she wants to and there's not much for her to do here in the summer.(Because the other 3 of us in the house are working / school) Plus, she spends a bit of time cleaning and helping around the house.
More conversation back and forth until:
Me: If you want her to spend time over there or want some help, then ask her like K & B do. If you want her to clean or whatnot just call her.
Mom: LONG PAUSE.... I don't want to do things like K & B do.
Me: I understand that, but it's not like J can come spend that much time over there. Referring to spending the night more than anything else. There's no place for her to sleep or anything. She's over there helping them clean because they need the help.
Mom: (Screaming) They don't need help.... and then the subtle sounds of disconnect.
Yes, I did the daughterly duty and tried to call back. I let the phone ring through multiple phone calls over 50 times. I give up. I'm not calling her back and if she wants to talk to me, then she better have an apology ready.
I am so tired of her being jealous because 1) other people are doing what she wants to do, but can't do not because of physical infirmity, but because her mind won't let her. 2) I'm tired of her blaming everyone else for her decisions. I can honestly say I will be grateful when I don't have to deal with this any more. I love my mother, just as I love my father (may he rest in peace.) However, when you have someone in your family who is mentally ill, the emotional cost can be too high and at this point, I'm tired and don't want to deal with it. No wonder my children don't want to call her - it's too much of an effort.
And speaking of effort, I'm done with my rant. Time for snoozing.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Radio, Birthdays and Other Adventures
Yesterday was my youngest's 16th birthday, but because of life and all of it's adventures, we celebrated with friends and family on Sunday. I would just like to say to my kiddo, "I love you... You are amazing."
And I would like to add that despite the birthday, I did fairly well on keeping to the diet and instead of eating the two slices of cake and a half gallon of icecream, I had 1 slice of cake (and tried not to eat any of the icing) and had 4oz of the icecream. yay! My calories were exceeded; however, I'm not going to beat myself up over it too much because I got back on track yesterday. The diet is going okay so far. I'm using CalorieKing to track my food and exercise and it's a program that WORKS.
In other news... I'm totally digging the work at FM90. Being back on the air after such a long hiatus is a little weird, but I'm reconnecting to a part of myself that I hadn't seen in a while. It's nice to rediscover yourself after a long absence. www.kacvfm.org
You can catch me and Tommy tonight from 9 til Midnight covering the best alternative music from the 1990's.
More from the flip side a little later... lunch break is almost over and I need to take a walk.
And I would like to add that despite the birthday, I did fairly well on keeping to the diet and instead of eating the two slices of cake and a half gallon of icecream, I had 1 slice of cake (and tried not to eat any of the icing) and had 4oz of the icecream. yay! My calories were exceeded; however, I'm not going to beat myself up over it too much because I got back on track yesterday. The diet is going okay so far. I'm using CalorieKing to track my food and exercise and it's a program that WORKS.
In other news... I'm totally digging the work at FM90. Being back on the air after such a long hiatus is a little weird, but I'm reconnecting to a part of myself that I hadn't seen in a while. It's nice to rediscover yourself after a long absence. www.kacvfm.org
You can catch me and Tommy tonight from 9 til Midnight covering the best alternative music from the 1990's.
More from the flip side a little later... lunch break is almost over and I need to take a walk.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Transformers 3: Dark Of The Moon - Final Trailer [HD] [OFFICIAL]
Transformers 3 - kicked some serious booty. I went with the family tonight and saw the 3D version. Almost $50 later, I can say I am glad we saw it in 3D. It was pretty amazing and I am going to have to see it again to see what I missed the first time. If you have the chance, see it on the big screen - don't wait for it to come out on video.
Sleep Deprivation
Ok. I'm writing this at 1215AM. I should be in bed, but frankly, that won't happen for a few. So I can continue to toss and turn and generally be pissed off at the universe (again) or I can sit and write a little bit and put the frustrations to good use.
Sleep deprivation is a bad thing and from the targetwomen.com website, I had to do a little cut and paste so I could put this all in perspective.
There are a number of consequences for not getting the recommended number of hours of sleep a night, which by the way are 8. The heftiest one: obesity. The most morbid; death. Not a fan of those ideas.
To put this sleep thing in perspective:
* My darling hubby snores to the point where it's not only loud, but the vibrations carry throughout the bed and there are some nights ( about 50% of the time) I have to take some melatonin or a night time sleep aid to help even get to sleep.
* If I am lucky, I can actually sleep in my own bed one or two nights a week. The majority of the time I have to move to the couch (Remember that not a fan thing? Count this in on that.)
* There are some nights one of the kids is spending the night with a friend or grandparents. Those nights I generally get to sleep an entire night in a bed.
* Couple the aforementioned with a lack of exercise (because I'm freakin' tired) and the extra 50-60 pounds I'm carrying, a lovely case of what I think is RLS (possibly caused by the night time sleep aids) and to top it off ... plantar fasciatis... no wonder I am only averaging 4 - 6 hours of sleep a night.
Now.. if you look at the fact I generally am getting to sleep about 0100 - 0130 and have to get up and pee at least once, sometimes twice, because of other physical problems then I say that starts moving the sleep scale down to 3-5 hours a night because it sometimes takes me a while to get back to sleep after waking.
I'm not the only one in the family that suffers from this malady. My mother is a poster child and I do wonder about some freaked out genetic link. Sleep deprivation has a lot of behavioral side effects and I found this one which really does describe me and my mom to some degree...
So what's the solution?
They claim: exercise, relaxation techniques, meditation, diet and sometimes natural supplements.
I could argue against many of these, but the fact of the matter is I'm knee deep in Crap-Creek and need a way out. I'm starting a new blog that will hopefully focus on these very issues. Stay tuned for more details... after a word from this nap. Good night...
Sleep deprivation is a bad thing and from the targetwomen.com website, I had to do a little cut and paste so I could put this all in perspective.
Some of the common symptoms of sleep deprivation are fatigue, lack of physical energy and exhaustion. Our emotional moods are affected by exhaustion and fatigue. This condition in turn will lead to pessimism, sadness, stress and anger. To function effectively, the frontal cortex of our brain needs sufficient sleep. The ability to control speech, problem solving and accessing memory is all controlled by the frontal cortex and if there is not enough rest, these abilities are affected. If there is no sufficient rest, driving can be dangerous.
Adult symptoms of sleep deprivation may vary from those of a child. Yawning constantly, dozing off while watching a television show, poor concentration and grogginess while waking up are some of the symptoms adults display when they are deprived of sleep. The symptoms of a sleep-deprived child include irritability, daytime naps, tantrums, hyperactive behavior and moodiness. Getting out of bed in the morning is a problem for children who experience sleep deprivation.
There are a number of consequences for not getting the recommended number of hours of sleep a night, which by the way are 8. The heftiest one: obesity. The most morbid; death. Not a fan of those ideas.
To put this sleep thing in perspective:
* My darling hubby snores to the point where it's not only loud, but the vibrations carry throughout the bed and there are some nights ( about 50% of the time) I have to take some melatonin or a night time sleep aid to help even get to sleep.
* If I am lucky, I can actually sleep in my own bed one or two nights a week. The majority of the time I have to move to the couch (Remember that not a fan thing? Count this in on that.)
* There are some nights one of the kids is spending the night with a friend or grandparents. Those nights I generally get to sleep an entire night in a bed.
* Couple the aforementioned with a lack of exercise (because I'm freakin' tired) and the extra 50-60 pounds I'm carrying, a lovely case of what I think is RLS (possibly caused by the night time sleep aids) and to top it off ... plantar fasciatis... no wonder I am only averaging 4 - 6 hours of sleep a night.
Now.. if you look at the fact I generally am getting to sleep about 0100 - 0130 and have to get up and pee at least once, sometimes twice, because of other physical problems then I say that starts moving the sleep scale down to 3-5 hours a night because it sometimes takes me a while to get back to sleep after waking.
I'm not the only one in the family that suffers from this malady. My mother is a poster child and I do wonder about some freaked out genetic link. Sleep deprivation has a lot of behavioral side effects and I found this one which really does describe me and my mom to some degree...
If you were a happy-go-lucky by nature, get ready for a new you, if you are a victim of sleep deprivation. Nothing will make you happy, as you will be down almost all the time. Not only will your health be affected, but you will also get drowned from the mental point of view. Thus, the positive vibes, which you would have bought in the room previously, is going to be replaced by a lethargic and a negative atmosphere. www.effectsofsleepdeprivation.netI can't say mom's ever been happy-go-lucky, but negativity is her mainstay. And lately, I find myself to be quite irritable nature.
Irrespective of the importance that the person, at the other end, holds in your life, you will start getting irritated with everything coming from them. This may cause fissures in the relation and ultimately, lead your life to get filled with stress and tension.If I look at my situation honestly, yes. This is the case. Not a fan of this either.
So what's the solution?
They claim: exercise, relaxation techniques, meditation, diet and sometimes natural supplements.
I could argue against many of these, but the fact of the matter is I'm knee deep in Crap-Creek and need a way out. I'm starting a new blog that will hopefully focus on these very issues. Stay tuned for more details... after a word from this nap. Good night...
Sunday, June 26, 2011
New York City - Days Two - Four
I was blessed to have a relaxing trip this go around to the Big Apple. I got to spend a lot of time in the Flatiron District and wandered from about 30th street to 10th street and between 5th and 6th avenues for the most part.
My sister and I started off the day at Equinox at 19th and Broadway. Great place to workout and I now feel totally gipped at the Amarillo Town Club. The locker rooms are high end and large; the lockers are twice the size of mine and I just realized I'm jealous of a gym. LOL!
After hanging out and wandering around aimlessly, my brother in law took me and Christina to lunch at Blue Water Grill, right up the street from their office and one of the top 10 restaurants in the entire city. This was followed by shopping down 5th Avenue for some much needed T-shirts (New York was extremely muggy; therefore, I was a sweat magnet.) We picked up Romeo at the NY Dog Spa and Hotel, picked John up at the office and we headed home where Christina made dinner.
Wednesday morning, while Christina went to the gym, I wandered around taking pictures and enjoying the city. We then took in "Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark" followed by dinner at Carmines. I have to say the performance of Spiderman was AMAZING and Carmines had the best Italian food I have eaten in a very long time. I could get used to that kind of food. (In fact, my mouth is watering now just thinking about the shrimp we had as an appetizer. The shrimp were HUGE.)
Side note: If I could figure out how to do a photo slide show on this thing, I would and I will try to figure it out so I can properly insert a bunch of cool photos.
Thursday morning rolls around and I have to say, wasn't a fan of Thursday. Christina and I barely had time for breakfast at the Hollywood Diner before Christina tossed me in a cab to get to Newark Liberty for the flight home. Literal tossing as Christina was supposed to drive me, but the car elevator at the garage was FUBAR so there was no way to get the car out and I had to take a taxi. Christina flags down this taxi and pretty much throws me and the monster suitcase, which has been lugged over a majority of the Flatiron District, into the cab. She was kind enough to provide me with a Dunkin Donut's beverage though, which helped because the AC in the cab was for crap. (Remember the hot and muggy thing? OY!)
The driver was pissed that he had to take me to Newark and he took the longest way humanly possible to get there. I knew I was in trouble when I saw the signage for the Lincoln Tunnel and not the Holland Tunnel. In case you didn't know... you have to travel UPTOWN to get to the Lincoln Tunnel. It's about 39th street or so... to put this in perspective, I was close to 34th street when I took the train in to Penn Station and was staying on 17th street. He drove the OPPOSITE direction he needed to because he was pissed. Apparently NY cabbies aren't allowed to pick up return fares from Newark so he was getting kind of screwed on the deal, but I figured I would give him a good tip and he'd be fine with it.
Now, I get to Newark with some time to spare which is good. However, now this cabbie tells me the credit card machine is broken in the cab, and of course also the receipt machine is also broken. Christina told me both of these occurrences are ILLEGAL, but what could I do but pay the freakin $71.00. I told him he would have gotten a big tip for taking me there, but with the CC machine down, he wasn't getting all the cash on me. I got the medallion number as well as his name, but nothing I can really do about it now (other than still be pissed at him.)
All in all, the trip wasn't nearly long enough, but it was a great trip. There were none of the 5 museums in a day or 27 touristy things to do in a week. What I did get was some real NY time and time well spent with my sister and my brother in law who were kind enough to put up with me for a few days. Can't wait for the next trip.... :-)
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My sister and I started off the day at Equinox at 19th and Broadway. Great place to workout and I now feel totally gipped at the Amarillo Town Club. The locker rooms are high end and large; the lockers are twice the size of mine and I just realized I'm jealous of a gym. LOL!
After hanging out and wandering around aimlessly, my brother in law took me and Christina to lunch at Blue Water Grill, right up the street from their office and one of the top 10 restaurants in the entire city. This was followed by shopping down 5th Avenue for some much needed T-shirts (New York was extremely muggy; therefore, I was a sweat magnet.) We picked up Romeo at the NY Dog Spa and Hotel, picked John up at the office and we headed home where Christina made dinner.
Wednesday morning, while Christina went to the gym, I wandered around taking pictures and enjoying the city. We then took in "Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark" followed by dinner at Carmines. I have to say the performance of Spiderman was AMAZING and Carmines had the best Italian food I have eaten in a very long time. I could get used to that kind of food. (In fact, my mouth is watering now just thinking about the shrimp we had as an appetizer. The shrimp were HUGE.)
Side note: If I could figure out how to do a photo slide show on this thing, I would and I will try to figure it out so I can properly insert a bunch of cool photos.
Thursday morning rolls around and I have to say, wasn't a fan of Thursday. Christina and I barely had time for breakfast at the Hollywood Diner before Christina tossed me in a cab to get to Newark Liberty for the flight home. Literal tossing as Christina was supposed to drive me, but the car elevator at the garage was FUBAR so there was no way to get the car out and I had to take a taxi. Christina flags down this taxi and pretty much throws me and the monster suitcase, which has been lugged over a majority of the Flatiron District, into the cab. She was kind enough to provide me with a Dunkin Donut's beverage though, which helped because the AC in the cab was for crap. (Remember the hot and muggy thing? OY!)
The driver was pissed that he had to take me to Newark and he took the longest way humanly possible to get there. I knew I was in trouble when I saw the signage for the Lincoln Tunnel and not the Holland Tunnel. In case you didn't know... you have to travel UPTOWN to get to the Lincoln Tunnel. It's about 39th street or so... to put this in perspective, I was close to 34th street when I took the train in to Penn Station and was staying on 17th street. He drove the OPPOSITE direction he needed to because he was pissed. Apparently NY cabbies aren't allowed to pick up return fares from Newark so he was getting kind of screwed on the deal, but I figured I would give him a good tip and he'd be fine with it.
Now, I get to Newark with some time to spare which is good. However, now this cabbie tells me the credit card machine is broken in the cab, and of course also the receipt machine is also broken. Christina told me both of these occurrences are ILLEGAL, but what could I do but pay the freakin $71.00. I told him he would have gotten a big tip for taking me there, but with the CC machine down, he wasn't getting all the cash on me. I got the medallion number as well as his name, but nothing I can really do about it now (other than still be pissed at him.)
All in all, the trip wasn't nearly long enough, but it was a great trip. There were none of the 5 museums in a day or 27 touristy things to do in a week. What I did get was some real NY time and time well spent with my sister and my brother in law who were kind enough to put up with me for a few days. Can't wait for the next trip.... :-)
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Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Totally Behind
I'm sorry.... totally behind on the blog because of life's varying circumstances. I promise the rest of the NYC trip is coming as well as the 2011 Fitness Challenge and other great things. Stay tuned for more...
Celeste
Celeste
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