Simplicity and Honesty

I normally start all my blogs with a quote. Today - not so much.  I'm going to try to keep this simple and honest. No pretty pictures. Just raw and honest about a few things.

When I was a kid, I had all the unrealistic expectations you would expect a child to have. As I became a teenager, I had a couple of lofty ambitions. I expected I would become a journalist, the next Woodward/Bernstein, or I would work for Rolling Stone or Time magazine - travel the world and see the sights and hear the sounds the world has to offer.  But I grew older and I settled for less and I settled down. I got used to routine and the day-in/day-out became comfortable.

I never stopped to wonder why.

The time has come to take everything I have known and disenfranchise myself from my hometown and take on "new adventures." It's harder when we get older. Even though I remind myself I'm not old, right now - this very moment - I feel old. And afraid.

There. I said it. I'm afraid of starting completely over.

I'm afraid of moving to a new place that's not so comfortable. This town is like a well-worn pair of jeans. But I'm scared to see if that pair of jeans is just hanging on by a thread and if my underwear is starting to show.

I'm afraid of trying to find a new job.
I'm afraid of not finding a job.
I'm afraid of looking for a new place to live.
I'm afraid of homelessness.
I'm afraid of finding new doctors because mine know me so well.
I'm afraid of not finding doctors that have a clue.
I'm afraid of driving in a place I know nothing about that has a crap-ton more traffic.
I'm afraid of getting into an accident.
I'm afraid of not fitting in.
I'm afraid of people not understanding my warped sense of humor.
I'm afraid of being "alone" in a place with thousands of people.
I'm afraid of wanting to come running "home" and home just not being home anymore.

I never thought that my fearless teenage self would be sitting in front of a computer at middle age afraid to embrace change. But there it is in stark black and white. Simple and honest. 

Ridin' the Storm Out

"Ridin' the storm out, waitin' for the thaw out..." 

- REO Speedwagon - 

It's a beautiful, bright and sunny day in the Texas Panhandle. Not a cloud in the sky dampens the horizon. Yet, here I sit procrastinating. The storm of change is coming and I should be preparing for its onslaught, but I'm not. I'm in a state of fear and denial. I'm like the proverbial ostrich sticking its head in the sand. However, like the bird, my butt is sticking up in the air and I'm sure I'm about to take one for the team with no lube, if you know what I mean.  

My spousal unit tells me I don't have to carry the burden alone for what's going on at home. I'm cynical and jaded right now. I feel like I do.  I have to-do list after to-do list made up.  They grow longer by the day and there's not enough hours to tackle even a portion of them. So I suppose that's why it's easier to sit and do nothing than to get off my ass and do "something." But as the deadline for having all this stuff done grows near, the self-loathing for not having anything done sooner will grow to biblical proportions and I'll be kicking myself in the hind-end that already took one. Double-whammy.

How does one prep for change when one doesn't want things to change in many regards, but does in others? How does one know if they are doing the right thing or the wrong thing? How does one make decisions that alters their life, but also the lives of so many people around them for good, bad or indifferent and those people don't have much say? It frustrates me on a level that's almost unbearable. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing and there's at least one person I need help from that's is unwilling to do so. It's frustrating beyond the tolerable and I try to shove that fed-up part of me in the back of my mind, but it niggles at me from time to time and I just want to break like a squall line dumping rain across the plains.  (Long run-on sentence. Sorry.)

I wish I could say more as to what's going on, but I'm not at liberty right now. Just know that my life is upside down and I don't like the view. I've lost my rose-colored glasses. If I can just ride this storm of change out and wait for the thaw out, things will be okay. But right now, I'm feeling the outflow boundary, the winds kicking up and the rush of air blowing across my face. I see the lightning on the horizon and hear the distant rumbles of thunder. The storm is coming and as it hits I will just pray for the best. 

Okay... going to suck it up and get to work. Tally-Ho!

All That & A Bag O' Chips

“The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.” 

― Julia Child

Every time I turn around there is some new "fad diet" or some commercial hyping a new piece of wonder-equipment.  I hear friends talking about Herbalife, Weight Watchers, Atkins, The Paleo Diet, The South Beach Diet or whatever is the name of the anti-fat game this week. (All trademarked etc.)  And I'm not bad-mouthing them though I'm sure it will seem this way. I know millions of folks have lost weight with them and I'm happy for them and I hope those people can keep it off. However, with some of these, I cannot see why I have to pay money to buy products to lose weight when God has given me natural, pure and healthy foods to eat. It's the junk that kills. 

I have fallen prey to more than a few fad diets in my 40+ years. (The worst of which I don't want to discuss, but cost me my gallbladder.) But about a year and a half ago it got real. It took me hitting the 200 pound mark to suck it up and face reality.  It took me hitting a size 22 to do so. Am I proud of those facts? No. It has taken me a year to admit it in a public forum.  Am I where I want to be? Not yet. But I'm getting there. I'm down over 40 pounds and 4 dress sizes and counting. Yay! Call me a happy camper. 

 I've been keeping it simple and I'm just calling it the Common Sense Lifestyle Change. 

First, let's talk about FOOD! (Because we all like food.)

* Most of the foods I buy are organic or generally have ingredients I can pronounce.  I take my additives very seriously and try not to buy anything with hormones or anything that would gross me out if I were to watch how it was made. Very rarely do I buy things that aren't "simple." I'm probably about 85% vegetarian about now. I just can't seem to give up my steak and seafood. Yum. However, I have tried being a raw vegan for a bit and I actually am probably closer to vegan than vegetarian... but for the love of seafood, steak... oh, and Texas BBQ. Mmmmmm. 

One of the main reasons for this is I have to be very careful of nitrates and preservatives in food because of the migraines they trigger. Makes me not so happy.  There are a lot of things in food that affect a lot of people differently. If you have health issues, you might have a food allergy or intolerance. It's something to at least consider. 

* I generally measure out the foods I'm going to eat.  - Portion control. -  Once you are used to eating a pint of ice cream at a time (which I have done), you have to retrain your brain to understand what a "true" serving size really is.  That's one of the reasons people are obese.  Learn what constitutes a portion and it gets much easier from there.

EXAMPLE: A chip-bender to the bottom of a 9-ounce bag is 1,260 calories sans the dip. So stick to 1 serving, about 15 chips—that’s 140 calories—or pick up some 100-calorie snack packs and save 1,120 calories

* Learn to slow down when eating and understand what "FULL" really feels like. There's no need to finish everything on your plate. The first few times I left food on my plate at a restaurant, I felt really, horribly guilty.  (Starving kids in China...?)  But at the same time, most restaurant portion sizes are enough for two people. WHY would I want to do that to myself?  The sad thing is that I did that to myself for a long time. 

* DO NOT EAT IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION. If you eat in front of the TV, studies show you consume almost 300 calories more than if you ate at the table. 

* Last but not least, I don't deprive myself. If I want some creme brûlée or dessert once in a blue moon, I will enjoy some. But I'm not going to go Banzai bat crap crazy and I'm not going to feel guilty. I will eat right the rest of the time and make up for it. No starvation. No binge/purge. Just pure, clean eating. 
Now, I know that I'm going to turn off a lot of people when I say the next word, but bear with me. "Exercise."   But I'm going to add something to it... if you haven't exercised in a long time, you don't have to go to extremes starting out,  join a gym, do DVD's, workout on the Wii or anything like that.  Ready? Cool secrets here:

* If all you can do is walk up and down a hallway of your house do it.

* From the hallway move to the driveway or the front sidewalk or maybe to the end of the block. (You get the picture.)  I used to tell my dad at 90 years old when he was recovering from a fall, "Just take one more step dad. One more step will get you stronger. What will one more step get you?"  

* From steps, move to a strength move of stairs or a curb.  Step up and down. If you need to hold on to something, do it. 

Something fun for cardio and to get the muscles engaged: Dance like there is no one watching. For Heaven's Sake, put on some great tunes and get moving. It doesn't matter if all you can do is sit in a chair and tap your feet and clap your hands or raise your arms. It's SOMETHING. 

     Side note: It's been said TAPPING YOUR FEET THROUGH OUT THE DAY BURNS ABOUT 350 CALORIES A DAY!!!!! Seriously... those who fidget have got to have an edge on the rest of us. 

Some of my favorite tunes while cleaning house (WHICH ALSO BURNS CALORIES:)
* Aretha Franklin - Chain of Fools
* Michael Jackson - Beat It
* Beatles - Twist and Shout
* Cameo - Word Up

* Fall Out Boy - Dance, Dance

* Fun - Some Nights

* AC/DC - Back in Black

* Toby Mac - Burn For You

* 3 Doors Down - Kryptonite

Again, those are just a few of the tunes I'll throw on and then dance around like a loon. It's all about getting your body moving. When you have some upbeat music on, vacuuming and dusting or moping the floor (or what have you) is not only a little more enjoyable, but goes faster and becomes a better calorie burn. 

Like I said... I've dropped over 40 pounds so far just using these little tips. You've probably heard it before, but I'm the proof that it works.  

There's no need for anything other than eating right and moving your bod. 

“Diet food is for lazy people.” 
― Ice-T

Waiting to Exhale

I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace. 

~Terri Guillemets



In the past few weeks, I have been under a stress load that mechanical engineers would have a hard time finding a logical answer to the equation of "how is it  possible to hold that kind of load." 

Life changing news has come about which I'm not at liberty to share at this time, I'm 100 pages into my first full-length novel and self-doubt and worry is running amok, my mother's health is troublesome, my daughters are starting to take test runs from the nest and other things are going on between home and work that have me wondering if I'm made of elastic and what the ultimate breaking point is.  I think my stress load can be equated to the load per unit area or the force (F) applied per cross-sectional area (A) perpendicular to the force as shown in the equation below:

 

Now, the best part of this whole thing is I just probably sounded really smart here and I have to thank Engineersedge.com for their insight for the formula above. I could honestly try to figure it all out, but the left side of my brain, the analytic side, has a very hard time with math and physics. I'm a right-brained person overall and if I think about it at length, it gets complicated and I'd probably short circuit. I try not to think about it.  Darned analytics. Now I'm thinking about it. 

So back to yoga. 

It's something not-so-new I'm working on. I'm seriously trying to decompress and work on some kind of Zen state I really want to achieve. I seriously doubt I will achieve that calm that surpasses my understanding; however, if I can reach a point where I can focus on the breath and the body and shut the world out for however long, I will have achieved something. Eh?

Now... back to downward dog... Which to tell you my mental state always makes me think, "Bad dog, good dog," while I'm waiting to exhale... I gotta work on that. 

A Rose By Any Other Name...

Each generation wants new symbols, new people, new names. They want to divorce themselves from their predecessors.
Jim Morrison 

A rose by any other name may still smell as sweet, but we call it a rose.

We spell it "r-o-s-e."

This leads me to one of my biggest pet peeves that really shouldn't be, but is.

Names.

Recently in the news, not that she is newsworthy, but that aside, Kim Kardashian and her spousal unit decided to name their unsuspecting child "North." Seriously? That poor child is going to grow up with all sorts of complexes as it is and you have just laden it with the mother of them all - a crappy name.

One might think that I would be appalled because Frank Zappa named his kids Moon Unit or Dweezil. Not really. One would expect something like that from the outrageously creative Zappa. Jane or Harry would have been totally out of character for him.  But naming a child "North West" opens the doors to many, many years of childhood jokes that no amount of money can buy your way out of. (Let's just start with "The Wicked Witch of the North West" and work our way from there...)

But North isn't the only baby name that I find incredibly bad.  "Cricket" makes my top ten list as well as Rainbow Aurora, Blue Ivy, Kal-El Cage (Superman jokes anyone?), Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee, Moxie Crimefighter Jillette (That's Penn Jillette's son. I swear I hope he becomes a cop.) There's also kids named, Sailor and Seven and Daisy Boo.  One I find strangely cute, Apple - Gwen Paltrow's daughter, and I hesitate putting it on the list. There are others of course, but North is pretty freakin' horrible. 

But beyond that phenomena, is the "creative spelling" of names that drives me "Banzai Bat Crap Crazy." I deal with a lot of people on a daily basis and the older I get, the weirder names and spellings have become. I don't know why parents have to do this. Is it because they think it's "cute", "creative" or "original?" Is it because they want to be different? I don't rightly know.  Poor "Maddisyn" (actual spelling of a kid's name I saw in a local yearbook) hasn't got a prayer of ANYONE ever spelling her name correctly ... EVER. And take it from me, I have a fairly "normal" if not quite so common name and few people have a clue how to spell correctly, if at all. 

There is a scene in the book by Billie Letts, "Where the Heart Is" which was also made into a movie. (Excellent by the way...) There is discussion about the main character, Novalee, naming her child. She's given the advice to name her child a good, sturdy name - a name that means something.  

I stand by that philosophy and I'm sure plenty of people will be ticked when they read this. When you name a child, their name SHOULD stand for something. It should hold it's ground and be the pillar for that child. A name like "North" doesn't do that. It's shaky and opens the child to ridicule which is unnecessary. I'm not saying you have to go all 1950's names, but really, at the end of the day, why do we want to set our kids up for misery? 

The Silver Reunion and 1988

25 years ago (not to the day) I graduated from High School in the middle of BFE. I enjoyed school for the most part. I wasn't part of any particular crowd - had friends in all the crowds which was a good, good thing. We had the jocks, the preps, the geeks / nerds, the stoners, the ... wait... hang on... I feel like that scene in Ferris Beuller's Day Off when Ed Rooney's secretary Grace says, "Oh, he's very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude."  But I digress.... 

This weekend is my 25th reunion weekend and I'm not going / didn't go. 
Please don't feel sorry for me. 
I don't want to go.
Friday night was extended Beer 30 at a local bar, with a pre-bar before-hand. (Like really?)
There was a fund-raising walk early this morning, which I can't do right now, Wonderland Park this afternoon (about 100 degrees out) and then dinner at the Wolflin House tonight. I'm sorry, but really none of that interests me. I don't drink. I'd do the walk if I were able. I spent the day helping mom, which is MUCH more important than spending time at Wonderland, and Wolflin House was something like $30-$40 a head (I'm broke.)
But beyond that, I'd probably be bitching about the food and want to leave early anyway. Why? A lot of the people I really wanted to see couldn't make the reunion. There may be a few here to see, but overall. I just don't care. Is that just wrong of me? I don't know. 

However, I have spent quite a bit of time thinking about some cool things about 1988. Here are my top three favorite movies and songs from 1988. 

Die Hard - Yeah. In 1988 I developed a major crush on Bruce Willis.  He was charming in "Moonlighting," but this movie did it for me. I'll probably be a lifelong fan. He's better looking now, not a bad actor and I'll forgive the divorce with Demi Moore. She's flaky anyway. 

BIG - Released in 1988 as well, Tom Hanks pulled off a fun movie (I believe it was shot in one of my all time favorite stores, FAO Schwartz.)  My children enjoyed seeing it when they were younger as well. I dare say this movie is timeless.

Cocktail - With Tom Cruise before he went Bat Shit Crazy, what 80's girl didn't have a crush on him. As a side note... in '89 I got into a shit ton of trouble by accidentally playing the Beach Boy's "Kokomo" released from this soundtrack on the air. Wrong song for the wrong format. My bad. I'm truly sorry. 

Speaking of favorite tunes from '88...

It was number 2 on the Billboard Top 100 from 1988, but it's my favorite song from that year. INXS' "Need You Tonight." Michael Hutchence had a voice to die for and I can remember wearing out two... count them TWO cassette tapes in my car.  A lot of Friday nights were spent cruising around town while listening to INXS's album, "Kick." While I love all of their work, it was possibly their best. 

Most people would guess this would be my number one pick from 1988. Surprise, it's my number two. It fell on Billboard's Top 100 at number 19. Def Leppard - "Pour Some Sugar on Me." The other song that made the charts in '88 was "Love Bites."  Hysteria was released in 1987 and it was a monster album for the band. It's not my favorite song on the album. That would actually be "Love and Affection." However... on the flip side (album) of "Sugar", the band re-recorded one of my all time faves - "I Wanna Be Your Hero." Awesome stuff that is. 

The third pick is very, very hard from me because music fuels my soul. I was in radio at an early age and will probably always have some part in the industry. There were SO MANY good songs and groups that I could say all the rest of them, but I will do my best to pick one and only one for number three. I'm trying to pick from George Michael, Guns and Roses, Van Halen, Whitney Houston, Foreigner, Cher, Sting, Richard Marx, Debbie Gibson, Rick Astley... Wow... lots to choose from. 

However, this last spot will go to the Bangles - "Hazy Shade of Winter." Billboard's Top 100 logged them at number 35. However, there's something about this song that haunts me. I scrolled up and down the list of songs and knew the words and melodies to almost all of them. I always came back to this one. 

"Hazy Shade of Winter" was written by Paul Simon of Simon and Garfunkel in 1966 so you know automatically you have a master of the craft of songwriting taking care of business. Combined with the feminine harmonics of the Bangles, it comes together beautifully. It has staying power and will outlive me, just on lyrics alone. 

A HAZY SHADE OF WINTER

Time, time, time

See what’s become of me

While I looked around for my possibilities

I was so hard to please

But look around

Leaves are brown

And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

Hear the Salvation Army band

Down by the riverside’s

Bound to be a better ride

Than what you’ve got planned

Carry your cup in your hand

And look around you

Leaves are brown, now

And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

Hang on to your hopes, my friend

That’s an easy thing to say

But if your hopes should pass away

Simply pretend

That you can build them again

Look around

The grass is high

The fields are ripe

It’s the springtime of my life

Seasons change with the scenery

Weaving time in a tapestry

Won’t you stop and remember me

At any convenient time?

Funny how my memory skips

Looking over manuscripts

Of unpublished rhyme

Drinking my vodka and lime

I look around

Leaves are brown

And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

Look around

Leaves are brown

There’s a patch of snow on the ground

Look around

Leaves are brown

There’s a patch of snow on the ground

Gasping for Air

For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: 'If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?' And whenever the answer has been 'No' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

~Steve Jobs ~

When I was younger, I was impulsive - some would say rash, maybe thoughtless. I often made decisions by the seat of my pants and while some of that was sheer teenage rebellion, some of it was the deep seeded desire to do something "more",  want something more, BE something "more."  And the good Lord knows I got burned more than once. However, I learned through age and experience, grass isn't always greener on the other side. It's still grass and it may be growing over a septic tank. So I tempered that part of me, have learned to make sound decisions and as middle age has pretty much arrived, have found myself in a conundrum. 

Change - It's rearing it's ugly head and I'm oh-so-not ready for it. 

Empty nest syndrome is just around the corner; darling hubby's job situation is about to make some really drastic changes affecting me and the kids and my elderly mother's health is starting to decline - which also has a bearing on some other things going on. 

I feel out-of-control. And the more I try to control things the more out-of-control I feel.  I wasn't anticipating on having my entire universe turned into scrambled eggs in one quick motion. I'm frankly, terrified. Too many changes are happening too quickly and decisions are going to start happening back to back to back and I'm honestly not prepared for them. 

Hopefully, the next six months will be much easier than my mind is preparing me for. However, while I'm generally an optimist, I'm also a realist. Like a fish out of water, I'm going to be gasping for air until I make it to a new tank.